A whole year?

They're trickling in

Alicia's sister, Laura, is back home in Pamplona from Kansas. Because they are in the same grade and Chloe went to her school, Laura's friends were kind enough to befriend Chloe, so it's even more fun for them to meet and see these various worlds collide. It's not often in Rotary that there is a house-to-house exchange so this is an unusual situation. It seems odd that everyone in Chloe's family met Laura at Christmas time, yet Chloe knows her pretty well from IMing with her (and from her friends) even though they first met in person yesterday. She said seeing the emotional reunions between Laura and her friends makes her more excited to come home.

And today is Chloe's last day of school, with the end-of-year gala tomorrow night. Chloe has said that Laura is very excited to be home in time for that. She'll be a celebrity - among the people Chloe knows, very few know anyone who has spent a year in America, especially at sixteen years old.

Laying it out there

I was reading some posts on the unofficial RYE message board where there was a thread on the first night with a host family. Rotary provides a list of questions for the student and one for the family and encourages them to go through the questions right away to get everything out in the open up front. That's a good idea and there are practical basic questions like

1. What do I call you?

2. What am I expected to do daily other than make my bed, always keep my room tidy, and clean the bathroom every time I use it?

Make my bed? Keep my room tidy? That might have been a deal breaker for Chloe, had she read the questions before she left. But asking even those simple questions can be intimidating, especially when you don't speak a common language. It's easy to feel silly asking strangers who have opened their home to you where you should keep your toiletries and when your bedtime is. However, the list could also be used for some unintended comic relief:

29. Do you have any dislikes, such as chewing gum, wearing a hat or curlers at the table, loud rock music, or smoking?

One girl said that the curlers question kept them laughing for hours. Maybe a hat or curlers would be permissible, but a hat and curlers would surely be asking too much. If you could gauge the humor quotient of your new host family, you could have fun and make up your own list of questions:

1. Do you mind if I call you Skippy?

2. I like my jeans to be crisply ironed. What sort of lead time do you need for that if, say, I'll be needing them at 7:30 AM?

3. Which car is mine?

Beneficial progression

Today I was telling Chloe that if we had another exchange student he or she would have a tough act to follow. Alicia was a joy to have around and I'd be disappointed if the next one wasn't as good. Then it occurred to me that the order in which a family receives exchange students could greatly affect the students' experience. Before Alicia, I didn't have too many expectations. Now, I'll be expecting another student to be happy, helpful, pleasant, low maintenance, a good student, beautiful, work hard to get involved with school and make friends, and lose things.

But, if the first exchange student had been rude, peevish, didn't make an effort to get involved in his or her life abroad, and was a lot of work, just about any student who came afterward would be such a relief that, by comparison, even an average, boring kid would seem to be an outstanding representation of his or her home country.

Holy Spring Break

Chloe's out of school for a week and a half for Holy Week. When is the last time an American student had "Holy Week" vacation? She's going to a little village with "now no hot water" until Easter, but I don't know exactly what that means. The house where they're staying has no water heater? The village shares a communal water heater and it's in need of repairs so now there is no hot water?

It sounds like they'll be changing families next week after everyone returns from their various Holy Week excursions. Although she lived with Alicia's parents a little more than a month longer than with this family, it seems like this stay has zoomed by in less than half the time.

It's not such a bad place

When Chloe and I took Alicia to school for orientation and registration at the end of August we met another exchange student. She was sitting outside on the beautiful summer afternoon, surrounded by kids happy to see each other as they ate barbecued hamburgers and ice cream bars, good-naturedly tossing about expletives as they grumbled about the impending end of their summer. She, though, sat with her host mother looking like a terrified child who'd been snatched from the only world she'd ever known. Which she was. Imagine being a smart, happy kid at home and then being sent to live with strangers in an enormous foreign country not because you wanted to go, but because someone else thought it would be good for you. Not only do you not want to be there, but you speak virtually none of the native language, which puts you in classes far below your age and academic level. You're quiet and don't reach out to make friends because to be so forward is contrary to your Asian culture. Consequently, you're perceived as not only not the sharpest tool in the shed, but a snob. It doesn't take too long for other students to give up on trying to make you feel welcome.

I would occasionally ask Alicia how this girl was doing and she'd say she seemed to be okay; very quiet, but she laughed and smiled a little. I think the only thing that kept her from abandoning her exchange and running home soon after she arrived is the concern and hard work her first host family poured into making her stay here a success. They didn't let her hide in the sanctuary of her bedroom where she was safe and secure and didn't have to make an effort to fit in. They made sure she was involved in school activities and asked other students if she could sometimes be included in their social activities. They encouraged her to assimilate while providing her a loving and warm refuge to return to for comfort and support. I doubt that she realizes how fortunate she was to have these people as her first host family.

Today I went to the school play, Little Shop of Horrors. This exchange student was in the small chorus, singing and dancing and on display, stage front.

No whining

I've been reading things from mostly American exchange students living in many different countries. The forum in which they are posting lends itself to complaining and generally venting about problems they're having with their exchanges: host families, school, difficulty in making friends or learning the language. That's fine because they need a place to blow off steam during one of the most emotionally trying and overwhelming times of their lives so far. No matter what anyone might say, the only people who truly know what they're going through are other exchange students. Included in these discussions are many responsible kids who are obviously representing their home country well. Still, I'm surprised at the number of kids who don't seem to get it. A common thread is "It's your year," which implies that the student doesn't have to listen to anything anyone else has to say. Along with their Rotary pins, every student should be given one of these:

Guess what: It's not all about you. Yes, you're the one living in a foreign country with strangers. You've taken a huge plunge that will test your maturity and fortitude many times. For that you deserve credit, but with that comes responsibility. You didn't get there alone. You aren't supporting yourself. Strangers have given you a place to sleep, food to eat, and a part of their lives. Lots of people back home, many of them strangers who you will never meet, invested time and resources to provide you with this experience. Your school counselor helped you complete your application and wrote you a nice letter of recommendation. Your school will spend a lot of time and creativity making sure your credits transfer home. Your parents would rather have you at home, but in their desire to provide you with the experience of a lifetime they've given up one of the few precious remaining years they have with you before you leave home for good. Your sponsoring Rotary club is putting their reputation on the line by allowing you to be their representative to their peers in a foreign country. Demonstrate to the world that they made the right choice.

Sure, nothing is perfect. Some host families are insane, just like your neighbors or your cousins or your own family. Sisters and brothers can be mean. Teachers can be rude. It's hard to make friends. But think about it: how often did you go out of your way to make new friends with a stranger who you could barely communicate with because of the language barrier and who, after you've invested your precious time in the friendship, will be leaving relatively soon, anyway? It's not usually personal because most of us have enough close friends and aren't interested in cultivating new temporary relationships.

Sometimes the situation is truly bad. It's impossible to work things out with unreasonable people. Sometimes it's necessary to move families or schools or even cities. But sometimes you have to suck it up, smile, and don't let the bastards get you down. Maybe you're right and they are whack jobs. Too bad (as long as you are not in danger, of course). They think you're not trying hard enough to learn the language? Prove them wrong and quit speaking English in their presence no matter how hard that is. Maybe at home you can storm off to your room, slam the door, and refuse to come out for hours, but don't even think about pulling that bratty, immature crap on your host family. Yes, no matter what ridiculous thing your host parent is saying to you. Some people are unreasonable and there is nothing to be gained by arguing. Be the bigger person, smile, listen, then figure out a way to make the best of the situation. We've all done the equivalent of a frustrated-toddler temper tantrum, but that doesn't mean it's ever a valid response. Not every exchange student hits the exchange-student jackpot of a loving, stable host family, great new friends, and fabulous shopping trips to Milan. Go ahead and complain and vent (to the appropriate people). Get it out of your system. I'm a big fan of self-pity parties - feel intensely sorry for yourself for a short time, but then move on. But remember, it's not just your year. You're sharing it with lots of people who deserve to see a positive return on their investment.

How did you know that?

Having your ignorance on display is never fun, but it's usually a good thing. Chloe's host father told her that America came this close to a nuclear war. Huh? Wouldn't she have heard about that? Yes, she had heard about the Cuban Missile Crisis, but she didn't know what it was, and he didn't call it that. That's actually come up several times: someone asks her about something, she tells him she's never heard of it, she feels stupid, he thinks she's an ignorant American. Later, she realizes that she does know what he was talking about, but in the translation he called it something different. It's not always possible to hunt the person down and explain that I'm really not that stupid, and here's what I know, just to prove it to you.

He's always telling her things about American history that she doesn't know (or doesn't remember) and she finds it a little embarrassing that a Spaniard (albeit a well-read Spaniard) knows more about her country than she does. I'm just happy that her host father takes the time to discuss these things with her. I realized that I told Alicia things about America that I've just assumed my kids learned in school. They probably did, but I haven't done a good job of making sure they remember what they've learned.

These experiences have made Chloe want to know more, to be more well-read and better informed. That right there is worth the cost of this exchange year. To be fair, this is the year she would have taken a serious American history class at school (she'll have to make it up this summer). I told her that everyone should know more than what happened on The OC last night. "I know, but I want to know what happened on The OC last night." Nothing wrong with that, as long as that's not all you know.

Food snobbery

Chloe wrote about peeling fruits and vegetables, which reminded me of Alicia. I know that in some countries it's wise to peel fruits and vegetables because the quality of the tap water that's used to wash them is in question. But that's not an issue in Spain (Alicia always drank tap water here because the bottled water was too cold). Steve usually leaves the potato skin on when he makes fried potatoes or french fries. I noticed Alicia cutting off the skin on the end of her french fries one night (which indicates that she was using a knife and fork to eat the fries), but I didn't ask about it. Then we went to Jack in the Box and she pinched off the ends of the fries with the skin on them. I mentioned that Jack in the Box had recently changed their procedure and now included the skin on their fries, and had built a couple of TV commercials around that development. She said probably because it's cheaper and easier. No, the part that gets peeled off has the most nutrients (a wash, I'm guessing, when they come out of the deep fryer, and it probably is cheaper and easier, but that was contrary to my point so I dismissed it) and that lots of people like the flavor. I don't think she bought it.

Likewise, one day I grabbed a piece of string cheese to eat in the car. She said her mother would never buy that kind of food (that sounds kind of snotty, but she was never anything but polite). Why? Because it's not fresh (isn't freshness sort of a bad thing in the aged-cheese business?). I said that it was just cheese - not a pasteurized processed cheese-like substance - in a handy portable wrapper that enabled me to eat a little protein on the run. I very nearly got mildly indignant because I don't eat that crap, either (although I'm happy to eat many other kinds of crap).

And, when Chloe first got there Ana had bought fresh green beans. Chloe loves raw green beans (but hates them cooked), and so washed a handful and ate them. They were appalled and worried that she was going to get sick from eating raw vegetables. It's hard to know what are cultural differences and what are personal differences.

She's gone

We delivered Alicia to her next home and I've spent the evening being surprised that she's not here, or won't be here in the morning, and then remembering that it doesn't matter which weekend in February is the next RYE gathering because there are no more weekends on my watch.

The house is very quiet and the TV is still on Saturday Night Live even though I'm in another room. Is it too loud for her in Chloe's bedroom because she doesn't sleep with a fan running for white noise like Chloe does? Oh, that's right, she's not here so it doesn't matter if I get up out of this chair and go turn the TV off. I need to make sure her clothes are washed before school on Monday. Oh, no, I don't. Is there enough bread for Steve to make her sandwich on Monday morning? No longer a concern.

Having Alicia gone is more than just having Alicia gone. She was a tenuous yet tangible thread to Chloe, especially when Chloe lived in Alicia's house. Because of Alicia, we had a better understanding of the family dynamic that Chloe and Abby lived in. More than once I was able to explain something to Chloe that made it easier for her to understand what was going on. We had an insider's perspective on Chloe's school, her host home, her new friends. Even after Chloe moved, though, Alicia's mom and dad would still tell her what they'd heard about Chloe from the two new girls at their house. For example, did I know that Chloe went to Madrid today? We've lost that thread and I feel somewhat adrift. Not to mention that Steve barely suppressed tears when he hugged her goodbye and has been suffering a sense of emptiness in the teenage-daughter department.

Settling in

Chloe's unpacked and met her host father, who answered the phone in English (I think he's an English professor, or something like that), with a slight British accent (Hallo instead of Si). It wasn't too many years ago that I realized that most people in Europe who speak English do so with a British accent, which only makes sense. It's lovely to listen to. So Chloe's Spanish, spoken with an American accent, must be particularly jarring to the Spanish ear.

He sounded very nice, and she said he was. The mom and brother weren't home yet (she met them last week, and said they were very nice, too). Their daughter is in Nebraska this year. They know how Chloe has to get to school so she doesn't need to worry about that (except getting up earlier - getting up in time to make the 6:40 AM ferry next year is going to be especially hard for her). Convenient bus service - imagine that! That's not the case where we live. It was sad leaving Ana and Vincente, but they can visit any time, especially since they live a few-minute walk from her school. Her host family got a video so they could watch that tonight, and tomorrow there's a family gathering (party was mentioned) so she'll meet the extended family. After this year, Chloe will be good at being a guest.

I got the address and phone number of Chloe's new family today, but it just occurred to me that I don't know the names of the people who will be caring for my daughter for the next several months. It wasn't too long ago that I wouldn't let her go to someone's house after school if I didn't know at least one of the parents. Now she's living with people I will never know.