A whole year?

No, they're not

People who say that "kids these days" are lazy or rude or self-centered haven't been around too many kids lately. Or they haven't been paying attention. I've always been impressed that most of our kids' friends are energetic, polite, and considerate. Since Christopher was in elementary school I've noticed that the kids were genuinely nice to each other, concerned about each others' well-being, and happily celebrated each other's successes, a trend that followed with Chloe's age group. It must be universal: Chloe has repeatedly said that her friends in Spain are nice and sweet and thoughtful and they are going to be the hardest thing about leaving for home. And Alicia could not be a better ambassador for Spain. Have I mentioned before that she's going to be a tough exchange-student act to follow?

Tonight Alicia's second host family had a goodbye party for her and my impression about "kids these days" was confirmed again - they are nice people. She will be going home with wonderful memories of what it's like to be a stranger in a small, foreign community of mostly nice, warm, welcoming Americans, people who embraced her and made her an integral part of their families. When she goes home to Spain she can refute the perception that we're all Homer Simpson.

No, but can I take a message?

My phone rings while driving to the store today:

"Chloe?" [I haven't heard that in a long time.]

Uh, no.

"Who's this?" [oh, how that bugs me - you called me]

Who's this?

"This is ______. Is Chloe there?"

Uh, no, she hasn't been here all year. She's in Spain.

"Who's this?"

This is her mom.

"Oh, okay."

I'd have her call you back, but she's in Spain.

"Okay, thank you."

First, how the heck did he get my phone number instead of Chloe's? Second, I recognize this kid's name. Has he not noticed that she's not been at school this year? Or did someone tell him she's home already?

I see you, too

Chloe's new house has a Web cam and she told me I should buy one. I don't often chat online and I've never been interested in being visible when I'm using the computer. But I chatted with her and it was great to be able to see her, her new watch, her new purse, the room where she's sitting, and then her host parents.

I had a gift certificate to Office Depot so what the hell. It couldn't be easier to set up and yeah, it's fun. I held the cats up to the camera one by one, brought Scout in (she weighed about 13 pounds when Chloe left, and she's about 70 pounds now), showed her outside the window here, held up a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese (which will still be here when she gets home), then called Steve and told him to run home and they got to see each other. The only thing he does on the computer is check various ski reports, and only because I made it easy by creating shortcuts on the desktop for him, but he thought this was pretty cool and remarked throughout the evening about how amazing it is that a cheap piece of hardware makes it possible for him to see his daughter, in real time, thousands of miles away.

Today I was chatting with her at about midnight their time. She's home alone and I see her on the phone. She said she just called Maren to tell her to get online (of course, she could have asked me to call Maren, a mile away, to get online, but this is all still new). So I called Maren and told her to come over here so they could see each other while they chatted. The smiles and squeals of delight from both of them when they saw each other for the first time in almost five months made buying the camera worthwhile.

Do, on the other hand, do this

You miss your friend/relative. Of course it's okay to mention that once in a while: we all want to know that someone misses us. Based on my experience so far and what I've read, these are good ideas:

• let your friend/relative know what's going on in your life but don't dwell on negatives
• share good and exciting news
• don't shield him from everything bad at home, but don't burden him with things he can't change
• ask what's new and exciting in her life
• listen
• be happy that he's making new friends
• don't be jealous
• mostly, let her know that, while life at home is going on, there will still be a place for her when she returns

Don't do this

I've written a lot about how the almost-daily communication has been a good thing for us. I also realize, however, that that isn't always the case. A couple of years ago a girl told her mom to quit calling her once a week because her mom was putting too much pressure on her because she didn't think her daughter was having the proper exchange experience. The well-adjusted, responsible daughter was having the time of her life, but it wasn't the vicarious experience her mom was hoping for.

We've all been warned that boyfriends and girlfriends at home can be a big problem. Instead of being happy for their beloved, they sometimes make the exchange student feel guilty for leaving them for a year: If you loved me, you wouldn't leave me. They don't understand that the right thing to say is: I love you, and of course you have to go because we are, after all, teenagers who shoud grab all that we're offered.

Likewise, good friends sometimes do the same thing: You can't be my best friend if you're willing to leave me for a year to go off on your little vacation.

Here's what you shouldn't do to your friend or relative who is away on an exchange program:

• whine incessantly in your e-mail messages about how your life at home is boring
• repeatedly ask your friend/relative to come home
• accuse your friend/relative of being too good for you now that he or she is in Europe/South America/Asia because he or she doesn't have time to give your every grievance thoughtful consideration
• try to make your friend/relative feel guilty for not being at home to entertain you
• talk a lot about money concerns at home
• complain about mutual friends or relatives with the expectation that your friend/relative can do anything about it
• try to put your friend/relative in the middle of your social squabbles at home
• unload all of your perceived problems
• accuse your friend/relative of liking/loving your new friends/host family more than they like/love you
• report random bad news: Remember the recess teacher from fourth grade? No, the blond one with the big nose. Yes, you do too remember her. Well, anyway, she got hit by a bus.

That kind of stuff. Don't do it.

Worlds collide

It will be impossible to accurately convey the unlikeliness of the following scenario, but I'll try to come close. Tonight we got home from the funeral and Alicia said she had a voice message on Chloe's cell phone. I checked it for her and heard this:

Hi Aleesha, this is Whoever and I met a guy at a party who said he had a Spanish exchange-student sister and that her name was Aleesha and she was at his house but I don't know if he was messing with me or not. I don't remember his name, but, I don't know, his name might have been Chris. But he was probably just messing with me.

Chris is my next stop: did you meet a guy named Whoever who was talking about Alicia? And if so, how is that possible?

Oh, yeah. We went to Gig Harbor and I hear this guy talking and I hear Vashon, so I start listening because Vashon is not a word you normally hear when in Gig Harbor. Then he goes off on how he met this Spanish exchange student who goes to Vashon. So I said, "What's her name?" And he said "Aleesha." So I said,

"First of all, it's Aleethia."

"No way, it's spelled like with a C or something. How would you know?"

"Because she's a Spanish exchange student and she's living at my house right now."

"No way. You're just messing with me."

Then he goes on about how he wants to go out with her and blah, blah, blah.

Stop right there, son. Blah, blah, blah is not an adequate representation of the conversation in this case. What specifically did he say? And why did you not think this was a worthy topic of conversation until I brought it up?

He said he wants to go out with her and he really liked her. But he was a moron. So I told him, Dude: Her dad doesn't even like nail polish and you know he's going to hate you.

Yeah, right, ha, ha, ha.

I'm not kidding. He'll fly over here tomorrow and then he will kill you.

Then he started to say something about Chloe and Brett said, "Son, listen here. I've never seen this guy mad before. He's not an angry guy. We probably don't want to see him angry. You just mentioned his sister. I suggest you stop talking now."

Alicia is listening to this and giggling like a, well, like a schoolgirl. When he got to the part about her dad she laughed harder and nodded her head.

So far, an unremarkable exchange. But Alicia first met this guy when she was with friends in Seattle. She doesn't think he lives on Vashon and he doesn't go to school there. People don't go to Vashon, they return there from somewhere else. Unless you live on Vashon Island, there is little reason to go there (unless you're a commuter student), especially since you have to pay about $15 to drive on the ferry, unless you want to swim. There is a whole universe of worlds here that seldom collide: where we live, Vashon, Seattle, Gig Harbor, Chloe, Christopher. Chloe and Christopher are four years apart in school so they don't have the same circle of friends. That Christopher would meet someone who knows Alicia is even more unlikely. Alicia was still giggling when she went to bed.

Meeting up

Why didn’t it occur to me that the Rotary students in the Seattle district could have informal get-togethers? One of the boys e-mailed the other students (they chat online quite often) suggesting they get together this weekend in downtown Seattle. Alicia is very excited and it sounds like at least half of them will be there (out of an original 13 – more on that in the next post).

It took a number of tries to nail down the details. The first message said they’d meet at the Nordstrom shopping mall. I told Alicia that’s like saying I’ll see you at the McDonalds corner. Alicia conveyed that message and we got it down to Westlake, which is a mall-like thing downtown Seattle. Better, but Nordstrom is across the street from Westlake. It is, however, attached to Pacific Place, another mall-like thing. I suggested Tiffany & Co., which is on the ground floor of Pacific Place. I think that’s what they settled on. Alicia’s pretty good about getting details and figuring things out, so I hope there aren’t too many problems meeting up.

This led me – a few days later because I ain’t so quick – to what I think is a fabulous idea. When Alicia’s sister is here the exchange students can meet at Seattle Center and just hang out. The ice-skating rink will be set up, there’s lots of food and space, lots of things going on, it will be decorated for the holidays, and Alicia will get to introduce her sister to the other students. There are either none or very few exchange students at Laura’s school so she doesn’t get a chance to talk about what she’s going through with people who truly understand (other than when she and Alicia talk on the phone, often for more than an hour). And I don’t have to worry about entertaining or feeding a group of kids I don’t know. For Alicia’s party we had spaghetti that I didn't spend too much time on, an entrée I would not have prepared had I known one of the kids is a Renaissance man from Sardinia.

Alicia was excited about the idea when she thought about meeting with the other exchange students. Then she processed the part about introducing her sister and she could not contain her delight.

Birthday party, round dos

Not everyone showed up for Alicia’s party but the people who did seemed to enjoy themselves. I wasn’t surprised at the no-shows because it’s a long way for some of them to come and I have a feeling some of them told her they’d be coming but hadn’t yet mentioned it to their host parents.

(Above, clockwise from the bottom left: Toey, Thailand; Mauricio, Columbia; Alicia; Deborah, France; Jacobo, Sardinia; Krista (Chloe's friend and a sweetheart for coming to the party), US; Leigh (Toey's host sister), US.)

It’s so interesting to see Alicia with a group of kids near her age because more of her true personality makes an appearance. She chatters away, speaking Spanish to Mauricio from Columbia and shifting to French to talk to Deborah from France and then to English to talk to Jacopo from Italy and Toey from Thailand and then they are all talking in English in five different accents. They are all great kids and I would love to spend more time talking to them. Although it would be a scheduling nightmare, I wish Rotary would get them together more often because they enjoy each other so much and they share such a relatively uncommon experience.

One of the boys who was supposed to come but didn’t show is at Vashon under another exchange organization. A few weeks ago he asked Alicia if he could have her CDs (as in give them to him - to keep). She said no and I thought she was going to copy them for him. Instead, she gave him her CDs to copy before I had a chance to tell her that might not be a good idea. He hasn’t given them back and laughs when she tells him she wants them. His host mother called this morning and said today was the first she’d heard about Alicia’s party and that wasn’t an uncommon experience (he’s been telling Alicia all along that he’s coming). She asked if there was something he should bring, like snacks or something. I told her we were good on snacks but Alicia would be happy if she would tell him that unless he has her CDs he’s not getting through the door. “Oh, he has her CDs? Yes, he’s a bit cavalier with other people’s belongings.” And she suggested that Alicia might not want to do that again. That's good information to have.

Chloe asked who was coming and I mentioned this boy: “He’s not coming in our house, is he?” But it was more of a plea than a question. Later she said to not let him in her bedroom under any circumstances. Then she remembered that most of her treasured belongings are in boxes, “molding away, just like the memory of me.” Maybe now’s not the time to tell her about the garage sale. Regardless, she didn’t want him in there. Her friends have been telling her that he’s a weird kid who does little school work and mostly causes trouble, like lighting gases on fire and combining various solutions in chemistry just for the fun of it. I don't know if it's true, but that's what she's heard.

So Chloe, who has never met this boy, is telling me from Pamplona to please keep him away from our stuff. I find everything about that remarkable.

Care package

Chloe got her package today, which is eight days, I think, from the day Steve sent it (almost $40 for a little less than 9 pounds). I mixed up the dry ingredients for chocolate chip cookies and included the recipe and a bag of chocolate chips. Now she’s hoping that’s some incentive for them to get the new oven off of the floor and installed where it will be of some use. I included some tacky Halloween socks and gaudy plastic, light-up pumpkin necklaces for her and Abby. Will their Spanish friends realize that they are supposed to be tacky? Or will they think all Americans have really poor taste? Alicia said her parents won't send her anything because they prefer that she buy it here because it's so expensive to send. But that's not quite the point of sending a package from home. Alicia thinks they can send one package a month here for free, but only books and papers, but she doesn't know why it's free.

They are going to Madrid this weekend and Chloe is really excited. They'll be staying at an aunt's apartment because she won't be there. Vicente said he prefers to stay there when she (Ana's sister) is not there.

Their host mom is telling them that they need more Spanish friends, so now Chloe’s worried about weekends. She’s afraid if they don’t have social invitations that they’ll get in trouble at home. Alicia said that after school no one goes home alone, but they make the rounds of friends’ homes or spend time together in town: “Not like here.” I told her to tell her mother about the difference. They do have friends, but it’s a bit difficult to infiltrate a group of other-language speakers that has been effectively in the same classroom since they were three years old. I told Steve that they sort of got yelled at for not spending more time with Spanish friends and he was not at all happy about someone yelling at Chloe about that.

Chloe continues to fail to excel in the classroom and she’s pretty sure they must all think she’s a simpleton, but everyone tells her to not worry. She also keeps saying that it’s so frustrating to not be able to speak or understand anything, then she’ll mention how much more she knows. Alicia said her parents said Chloe has come a long way with the language, also. If you send your kids to a foreign country, be sure to send them with a 500+ Spanish (Russian, French, German, Italian . . .) Verbs book. It’s been at least as valuable as the dictionary. Being able to conjugate verbs and differentiate between past, present, and future tenses is what makes you sound not like this: Yesterday I take exercise. Today I take exercise. Tomorrow I take exercise.

They are looking into having someone that Abby knows who is in Europe somewhere come to Pamplona for Christmas. Chloe’s pretty excited about that, but she said there was much discussion about sleeping arrangements. I don’t remember all of the details, but it sounded like having the girl Abby knows and Chloe sleep in the same room in separate beds would be impossible because they don’t know each other so perhaps Chloe and Abby might need to sleep in the same twin bed. They have a few months to work that out but, more importantly, that sort of implies that Chloe and Abby will be there together for Christmas, which is good news to them.