No whining

I've been reading things from mostly American exchange students living in many different countries. The forum in which they are posting lends itself to complaining and generally venting about problems they're having with their exchanges: host families, school, difficulty in making friends or learning the language. That's fine because they need a place to blow off steam during one of the most emotionally trying and overwhelming times of their lives so far. No matter what anyone might say, the only people who truly know what they're going through are other exchange students. Included in these discussions are many responsible kids who are obviously representing their home country well. Still, I'm surprised at the number of kids who don't seem to get it. A common thread is "It's your year," which implies that the student doesn't have to listen to anything anyone else has to say. Along with their Rotary pins, every student should be given one of these:

Guess what: It's not all about you. Yes, you're the one living in a foreign country with strangers. You've taken a huge plunge that will test your maturity and fortitude many times. For that you deserve credit, but with that comes responsibility. You didn't get there alone. You aren't supporting yourself. Strangers have given you a place to sleep, food to eat, and a part of their lives. Lots of people back home, many of them strangers who you will never meet, invested time and resources to provide you with this experience. Your school counselor helped you complete your application and wrote you a nice letter of recommendation. Your school will spend a lot of time and creativity making sure your credits transfer home. Your parents would rather have you at home, but in their desire to provide you with the experience of a lifetime they've given up one of the few precious remaining years they have with you before you leave home for good. Your sponsoring Rotary club is putting their reputation on the line by allowing you to be their representative to their peers in a foreign country. Demonstrate to the world that they made the right choice.

Sure, nothing is perfect. Some host families are insane, just like your neighbors or your cousins or your own family. Sisters and brothers can be mean. Teachers can be rude. It's hard to make friends. But think about it: how often did you go out of your way to make new friends with a stranger who you could barely communicate with because of the language barrier and who, after you've invested your precious time in the friendship, will be leaving relatively soon, anyway? It's not usually personal because most of us have enough close friends and aren't interested in cultivating new temporary relationships.

Sometimes the situation is truly bad. It's impossible to work things out with unreasonable people. Sometimes it's necessary to move families or schools or even cities. But sometimes you have to suck it up, smile, and don't let the bastards get you down. Maybe you're right and they are whack jobs. Too bad (as long as you are not in danger, of course). They think you're not trying hard enough to learn the language? Prove them wrong and quit speaking English in their presence no matter how hard that is. Maybe at home you can storm off to your room, slam the door, and refuse to come out for hours, but don't even think about pulling that bratty, immature crap on your host family. Yes, no matter what ridiculous thing your host parent is saying to you. Some people are unreasonable and there is nothing to be gained by arguing. Be the bigger person, smile, listen, then figure out a way to make the best of the situation. We've all done the equivalent of a frustrated-toddler temper tantrum, but that doesn't mean it's ever a valid response. Not every exchange student hits the exchange-student jackpot of a loving, stable host family, great new friends, and fabulous shopping trips to Milan. Go ahead and complain and vent (to the appropriate people). Get it out of your system. I'm a big fan of self-pity parties - feel intensely sorry for yourself for a short time, but then move on. But remember, it's not just your year. You're sharing it with lots of people who deserve to see a positive return on their investment.

Comments

[Donna]

Malia, you must not have seen her blog post where I asked her to complain and whine: http://blogs.emelton.com/chloespain/2005/02/what_me_complai.html.

"Crazy lady." I like that, but I'm wondering if you found space in your Rotary essay to mention that you make snap judgments about people and situations you don't know.

[exchange student in spain]

OH MY GOSH...how bout you try this you crazy lady. Obviously this is something that you CAN´T understand, but how bout you try. Do you remember leaving home for the first time? Now imagine it with NO friends, family, school, language, nothing familiar at all. Now imagine having pressure on you everyday to perform...to improve your language, always act according to the cultural "norms" and then for your poor daughter...her mom publically criticizing her. Hmmm...sounds fun to me. I realize that it might seem like just complaining to you...and sometimes it is. We do realize how lucky we have it here. This is an amazing experience, but it is OUR experience. Therefore, we may deal with it however we choose. We are not required to limit our complaining. I would love to see how you react to this situation. From how it seems on the outside it is all just fun and partying and trips, from the inside it is a complicated world that we must face every day. SO...instead of criticizing us...maybe you should talk to your daughter less and let her figure some stuff out for her own. Peace

[Teresa]

AMEN! I hope that your blog has a big audience amongst outgoing exchange students.

[Katy]

HEAR!!!
HEAR!!!